You Need Therapy

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In the spirit of the season, I’m going give you a little advice. No, it’s not that you need therapy. It’s that WE need therapy. Us. All human people. (You thinking I meant you specifically is the very reason for this post. You’re sort of paranoid).

This, all of it, has to be a sickness, right?

The other possibility is too terrible to consider.

So please, get help. And maybe a cookie. Cookies are good.

Love,

Me.

Least Helpful Article Ever

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Recently I read an article with the title:

Want to Succeed in Self-Publishing? Have a Plan: Tips from an Indie Author

Seems like it would be a good article to read. Tips and all.

Um, don’t bother checking it out. No, really. DON’T CLICK THE LINK.

Damn it, why did you click it?

Fine, now that you actually believe me, let’s talk tips. Those are those things that help indie writers succeed in self-publishing like the article promised. Yes, you should write well. But you also need to write often. Like 4-10 books a year. Compared to my 2 if I’m lucky.

Okay, videos are fine. But reading is fundamental. There is plenty of info on self-publishing you can skim rather than take 2 mins to watch.

Have a plan…ummm okay. Did you really just tell us to look for one on the internet? Sure there are a ton, but you need one for your own niche. Something that will make you standout.

Am I wrong? Is there more to the article? If not, I really have to query publishers Weekly…

Because I Care. No, Really. I Do.

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2di5mgfSo yeah, I like you. Kind of. If you stop doing that with your face…

In honor of my semi-warm feelings for you. Only you. I am giving away A Very F***ed-Up Christmas Tale today only. Yep, a free book. Stop rolling your eyes. It’s a good one. I swear.

A Very F-Up Christmas TalePick up your kindle copy today or use my contact page if you need a .pdf version.

 

From the author of CURSES! comes a very f***ed-up version of the Dicken’s classic, A Christmas Carol
She’s not your fairy godmother’s Scrooge.
And this ain’t no wonderful life.

On Christmas Eve, Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, plotting the murder of yet another husband, when along came a spirit with some bad news–tonight she will be visited by three ghosts.

According to the spirit, Miss Muffet, VP of Dastardly Deeds at New Never City’s Villainous Union, must change her fiendish ways or else suffer a fate worse than curdled curds. As the bell tolls one, she begins her journey through her wicked past as a very short orphan, her depraved present, and a future terrifying enough to make her toss her gingerbread cookies.

Can she change? Better yet, will she?

Ready for Some Romance?

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assassins_heart_300The Assassin’t Series

The Assassin’t Heart (Book 1) – Out now

Top Pick by RT Book Reviews for Romantic Suspense

When CIA assassin Hannah Winslow mistakenly kills the wrong man, she vows never to take another life. Unfortunately Hannah’s superiors believe the killing was intentional. Now Hannah is the target. Hannah always knew it might come to this. Surprising her colleagues, she manages to disappear completely into a new, screamingly dull life, assuming a fake identity, shacking up with an overweight cat, and starting a new career as an ad executive.

Hannah’s past finally catches up with her at a company retreat in Hawaii, where her former partner Benjamin Miller has tracked her down. Is it a coincidence that assassination attempts on her life are now as common as rum, suntan lotion, and tiny umbrella drinks? What is the real reason for Ben’s presence? Will he be her savior or her assassin?
Kazimer’s debut romantic suspense deserves a spot at the top of the genre. Not only is this novel sassy and fun, but the author’s research into the CIA and the life of an assassin is reflected in her work, making it not just a fabulous romantic suspense tale, but a fantastic work of fiction, period. Hannah “Six” Winslow stands strongly on her own and has none of the characteristics of a damsel in distress — which makes this novel that much hotter and sensual.
       – Sarah Eisenbraun, RT Book Review

I started reading this and didn’t put it down till I was done. THE ASSASSIN’S HEART has mystery, intrigue, excitement and romance. It’s a fast paced story that is great for an afternoon with time to read.
      – Shellie Surles, Fresh Fiction

Ms. Kazimer weaves a great tale and the reader will get thoroughly engrossed in the storyline. The characters are all well developed, and the edge of your seat suspense pulls the reader in.
      -Lindy Gomez, A Bookish Escape Blog

The Assassin’s Kiss  (Book 2) – Forthcoming

The Assassin’t Date: A Prequel Novella –  Forthcoming

A Very F***ed-Up Situation

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Here’s the deal. I am oLSVL_Library_11-19-15_Self_Publishing_Paneln a panel at the Louisville Library tonight. —>

Which is awesome. It should be fun and educational. I love hearing the experience of other writers about publishing.

The thing that bothers me is the flyer for the panel. ——>

Again using a near swear word has affected my career (yes, I get that it’s my own fault for using it).

The library felt that my book cover, of my latest self-published work (A A Very F-Up Christmas TaleVery F***ed-Up Christmas Tale) wasn’t and isn’t appropriate for the flyer.
Now I see their point. Kids and F-words after all. But this is a panel on self-publishing, and what cover do they deem appropriate? The Assassin’s Heart, which is traditionally published, not self-published like the panel presentations/representatives.assassins_heart_300

So how do I feel about it? Four years ago, I would’ve been up in arms. But now, I’ve had it happen so often, it’s a minor irritation. And this makes me the maddest.

Therefore, FUCKKKKKKK!!!!! Fuckity, fuck.

Okay, I feel better. Game on.

 

 

2016 – Shaping Up to be a Great Year (Barring me getting hit by a bus)

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Pikes Peak Writers Conference

Yay! I’ll be teaching at the 2016 Pikes Peak Writers Conference. This is one of my favorite conferences. The people are amazingly friendly and the Marriott bar is perfect for hanging out.

When: April 15-17, 2016

Where: Colorado Springs Marriott
5580 Tech Center Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado 80919
(719) 260-1800

Want to Win a Prize?

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Seeing as I’m launching a new book in the world, THE LADY IN PINK if you already didn’t know (
not sure how you missed it. I spent a whole hour marketing it), I’m going to give prizes away. I normally would have said I’m going to give shit away, but
after a friend pointed out the lack of desire to win SHIT, I’ve changed my ways.

The Lady in Pink CoverTo enter, just go to https://jakazimer.com/contest-the-fairyland-murders-ebook/

Best of luck, and if you wouldn’t mind checking THE LADY IN PINK out, I’d appreciate it.